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With every person, there is a chaotic part of situations occurring within their life. If everything was normal, sort of nirvana, than there would not be an opportunity to grow. To embrace what we truly need, we need to have those contrasts in our lives.

Change the Story

In my situation there were missing components within my personal relationship with my parents. They were not able to reaffirm and give me what I needed. The missing aspects created low self-esteem. This all arose from emotional unavailability throughout my life,
a lack of connection and in-depth relationships. My desire was to be respected and loved in the way that I wanted to be respected and loved. The gremlins, the voices within my head, were constantly telling me to do things that would seek approval from people. I never got celebrated. I never heard, “We are proud of you”. So, in my mind, I heard that nothing was ever good enough.
I developed a fear of never being respected or honored. Consequentially, I was always looking for the safe way to do things to be loved. With everything I tried, I didn’t get the recognition. I sensed it as part of a failure. At the time, I did not realize that they were unable to do it. I needed to re-write that story. If you really look at failure, it is just a result. I discovered and recognized what their abilities and limitations were, and how their depression and regrets, and emotional unavailability created ‘my stuff’, the influences and forces in my life. I employed an exercise to look at the major events in my life as a ‘mile marker’, looking for commonalities. The ‘Mile Marker Exercise’ allowed me to go back to every aspect of my life with my parents, including my conception, transporting me back to the beginning to realize and understand how much was missing in my life.

For many years I wasn’t even aware of its impact and weight because that was all that I knew. I started unknowingly looking for other role models for relationships and family structure, observing their level of communication and cooperation between themselves, extended to their children and their children to each other. That concept was totally foreign to me because my family never had that foundation. Desperately wanting to be loved, I married the first woman I had a relationship with, all based on my hope and dreams of creating the kind of relationship and family that I longed for in my life. Things were safe and sound until financial crisis when I lost my job and our home. I had low self-esteem, in dire need of a strong emotional connection. And, unfortunately she was not capable of providing emotional support, so after nine years I got angry, and the marriage ended. 

Reflection, deliberate contemplation, and profound observation and examination 2

The next nine years was spent in reflection, deliberate contemplation, and profound observation and examination. After a back injury working at a machine shop, I made the decision to go to school, so I could use my natural gifts, assets and strengths instead of my back. Upon completion of school I focused on the marketing field. At that point in time, I worked with Rima. Rima helped run a small marketing company. She was incredible. Why? I believe this to be so, because she took notice of her employees’ gifts and talents, and she fed their need to share them. Over the years, I saw her turn many lives around — including my own — by listening, nurturing, guiding, allowing us to learn from our own mistakes and validating us. Through her example, folks like me now have the great opportunity to Pay It Forward.

About the same time I was introduced to personal development and public speaking. Armed with positive energy and a new job opportunity, I ventured into marriage again, not realizing that my rescue mode kicked in. Hopeful for a different type of marriage, recognizing that I had advanced and grown significantly, I was ready for a relationship. Yet, I was unaware of the clues and was blindsided by P.E.A. [chemical created within the brain and released when you are in love]. I did not see the obvious signs that should have been a stop sign in the relationship, which ended up being mine fields at the end of a year and half marriage.

Shortly after my second divorce ascended my awakening. At that time, several occurrences facilitated change: my x-wife did not look for opportunities to build a relationship with my children, there were problems at work and my grandmother died of cancer, all accumulative within a couple of months. In quest to seek answers to my questions, I took a cruise. The cruise was a vortex that opened a door to in-depth personal and business development. 

One day I was walking the beach, reflecting on everything that transpired in my life

That cruise facilitated a huge change, I moved to Florida. One day I was walking the beach, reflecting on everything that transpired in my life and I was wondering why my family wasn’t reaching out to me. I realized I was living my life for the approval of my family who were not reaching out to me or even talking to me. I considered and entertained the thought … Was it just because I moved? Looking at my past I realized that they were not reaching out to me when I was living in Wisconsin, and I was even geographically closer to them. They truly weren’t doing anything out of their normal, but I was expecting love and validation, and clearly wanted people to come and connect with me.

Taking it a step further, I realized I never felt the type of love I wanted to receive from my parents. I am sure that they loved me in their own way. Nevertheless, it wasn’t until I was 47 years old that I grasped that they were only capable of loving me in the way they knew how. So, when I was able to recognize what people’s limitations were, what they had already done, and if I had a different expectation than what they were delivering that was my fault. I was reacting with disappointment, depression, anger because loving connections were not made … I wasn’t feeling loved; but, I was expecting something from them than what they were able to do for themselves or anybody else.

Dont Take It Personally

I began to recognize the whole pattern, ‘Don’t Take It Personally’, one of the ‘Four Agreements’ authored by Don Miguel Ruiz. Sitting back and observing the circumstances, even though I was affected by this, I was able to learn that it wasn’t me and accept their behaviors. I observed what they are capable of and willing to be able to do.

When we are able to get to that place and look objectively at every single situation that comes to us, and be able say … What does this mean to me? How can I use this?  … We are in a place of understanding and acceptance. Now I use that lack of recognition and validation from my parents and my family to be able to realize what that feels like, and understand what other people are going through.

Living at the beach I spent eight years of reflections and projections, which bought another component in my life: studying healing and massage. I established myself within the healing practitioners’ community from which I fostered deeper personal growth, all leading to a richness in spiritual development.

Then in 2004 I met Caryl, a connection that exposed a deep transparency with great potential. Although we came from different backgrounds, we had similarities that went well beneath the surface, our personal and spiritual development. Essentially, we needed to foster and develop a strong foundation based on understanding, sensitivity, empathy and compassion. Relationships are like a garden, they must be tended to daily – watered, weeded, etc. in order to produce a bountiful harvest.

In relationships we all have baggage, and need to create a safe place to help the other person unpack their hurts and pains. Like most couples, there have been times that we have bumped into mine fields, obstacles and hurdles, and lost direction. Some important principles that we embrace to foster a strong relationship: Be non-reactive, never take it personally, reflect the other person’s feelings, apologize with a firm response of how we will change, take responsibility for our contributions to the problem. Importantly, treat your partner every day as you did in the beginning, and there will not be an ending. A loving relationship is the most important investment you will make in your lifetime. In a relationship our responsibility is to bring the best out in each other, to support each other’s gifts and strengths.

Paraphrasing Napoleon Hill – “There is a seed of good within every bad thing that happens to you” 2.

In closing, I have learned to take all my situations since my childhood and turn them into something positive. Paraphrasing Napoleon Hill – “There is a seed of good within every bad thing that happens to you”. I am always looking for the seed.

Without the emotional abandonment or rejection, I wouldn’t have been as passionate about building better relationships, and extending myself to my community to serve. I learned how to shift those things that happened, and not dwell in the ‘poo’ and start looking for the ‘pony’ in all of it . . . and, create happy rides. 

Finally, they were all there to help me grow and build a large Social Media audience. I feel obligated to share those stories as Hope, to help someone who may have gone through a similar situation, to impact people’s lives and businesses. It continues to give me inspiration, a sense of responsibility to be available for people. You never know who you can touch by sharing your message. Never underestimate the Power of a Tweet, or even in real life, the power of a single word or statement. Messages can show up at the right time, make a change in someone’s day! I believe in the Butterfly Effect, and how messages can help people in abusive relationships, dangerous situations and even prevent suicide. In turn those people have gone on to impact other people’s lives!

You may be interested in reading a guest blog, ‘Poop and Inspiration… What…? How Can Poop Relate to Inspiration?’

 

Although the Mayan calendar ended in 2012 with predictions of the end of the world, I always had a different interpretation, a different approach. I forecasted a new age, one of optimism with a positive outcome. Even in spite of what we are observing in our world today, I still believe this holds true. We will see a new era, an era with a new vibration –
a higher frequency of LOVE.

If we are going to be successful in moving forward, we must become more aware of what has not worked in the past and know with true certainty that it will not work in the new era.  Einstein defined ‘insanity’ as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” It is time for change.

The Universe is going to whisper: “This is what you need to be doing. This is right”. When we ignore this, the whispers become nudges and then shouts. If you ignore it for too long, the only way that Source can get our attention is to blow everything up or create traumatic events. Not to minimalize any event, but it is crucial to observe: What whispers did we miss? What things do we need to look at to be able to change this? Use it as a lesson to move forward, and be able to be better.

Far too many of us, individually and collectively, have ignored the whispers, those gut feelings that something was not right. Or, we felt that we couldn’t make a difference. Those feelings are the Universe, your soul or your source bringing you a message, lessons or instructions of what you need to do. The Universe is going to keep bringing those lessons until we listen. It starts by whispering. And, if we continue to ignore them, they will come back louder each time. The Universe can only get our attention by collapsing the world around us, forcing us to rebuild, hopefully with new awareness. In reality, the Universe is screaming at us to awaken to a new way of LOVE, to Build Better Relationships, first starting with ourselves. First you must believe that ‘YOU MATTER’, and importantly, that ‘EVERYONE MATTERS’ equally so. Know that together we can create the lives and the world we dream about, and the world we desire to become a part of.

Express Love

To MATTER, to feel important, there is a massive need to know that we are appreciated, that we do MATTER. It is vital to know that we are significant. Everyone wants to be heard and validated.

There was a mindset that people didn’t need other people. They thought that they could do everything by themselves. They felt they should have this confidence and awareness. Conversely, we all need relationships, they are vital on so many levels. To get that validation, we need that communication and connection that somebody else believes in us. Self-confidence does not come completely by ourselves.

You Matter

Join a new era of consciousness. Let people know that they MATTER. Look at the empowerment, how the world would be with this simple shift of consciousness. I firmly believe in the ‘Butterfly Effect’. I have observed the Butterfly Effect in my engagement on Twitter. People have stated how I have changed their lives. My messages have reached people across the world, and reached them at the appropriate moment, making a difference in their lives.

Become part of the global movement! Look for ways to impact people’s lives. Practice it every day. Every new tomorrow is a new day. Choose that they MATTER.  Let someone know that they MATTER!

Go-Givers Sell More

go-givers-sell-more

The book, Go-Givers Sell More, written by Bob Burg and John David Mann is the follow up story to The Go-Giver. The underlying theme in the story is: “It’s not about you, It’s about THEM!” Bob and John craftfully bring the lessons of The Five Laws of Stratospheric Success into real life.  They challenge the way sales people view every conventional sale techniques, from prospecting to closing.

Not only will applying these lessons change your sales results, they will crossover to dramatically change all other aspects of your life. In some manner we are all selling ourselves 24/7. Living by these laws will allow your authentic self to always be available. I cannot think of a time when living from that place will not bring abundance to your business, personal and spiritual life.

GGSM_Cover

Go-Givers Sell More illustrates real life examples of how others have used the Go-Giver Philosophy, and how it positively impacted their business. One of my favorite stories was about a group of people who were all unemployed and looking for work. One member shared the Go-Giver principles with the group, and they all changed their focus from self-interest to everyone searching for employment opportunities for everyone else in the group.
And, they accomplished that and then some!

 

Zig Ziglar stated “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want”.

Go-Givers Sell More is your road map, sales or business plan to fulfill your dreams by helping others.

To purchase the Go-Givers Sell More*, and other Bob Burg books and CDs at our low-cost, special prices, visit this page.

 

The Most Precious Gifts We Can Offer, Part 2

How can you touch the world?

Believe and trust that you can touch the world. You only need to touch 5% of the population to start creating positive shifts.

“It’s the repetition of affirmations, that leads to belief and once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen” ~ Claude Bristol

Keep going, keep having faith that you are making the right choice to help your clients, your families, and your relationships to be better and more available. Successively it will create ‘the butterfly effect’.

How many people are they able to touch?
How are their relationships going to get better?

That is one of the things that drives me, my family relationships. I am estranged from most of my family. That experience is a huge motivation to Build Better Relationships. I do not know that recovering that family dynamics is feasible, but I do know that there is a hunger for relationships and community. We all have that need. If you were not born into a healthy family dynamics then you need to create one, or find one that fits better. That is my motivation to Build Better Relationships because of what I felt I did not receive, and longed for in my life. My aspiration and goal is to help other people who have had the same experience and concern.

So, what is one thing that people can do to make
this type of shift?

LISTEN

Listen to them, love them, and love them the way they want to be loved. Every relationship is going to be different. You may have grown up one way, but you need to be open enough to say … “My partner did not grow up in the same situation. My friends did not have the same experiences.” So, we need to be open to how other people feel and experience love, and not make judgments. Everything is going to be a little different. If there are different things that people are doing in their relationships to fulfill each other’s needs, and it helps them feel loved then it is no place of mine or anyone else’s to say that it is wrong. In relationships there are three essential things to have a successful relationship: listening to your partner, speaking their love language and showing acceptance.

One thing that Caryl and I do yearly is renew our wedding vows. In December we will celebrate our fourteenth anniversary, but we missed two years where we didn’t go back to the beach where we were married to renew our vows. Two out of the fourteen years we had conflicts that ran over our anniversary time, but we still stuck through it. It was and is an important ceremony in our relationship, to go back and renew our vows, to have that special day. So, find those special aspects in your relationship that you can celebrate, and show love and appreciation for each other.

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There is a movie called ‘Milk Money’. One line that stood out from the movie was, “How do you touch a woman in a place that will drive her crazy”? It is her heart. And, how do you touch each other’s hearts?

When I was bartending I was going to write a book. I interviewed women. I asked them to fill out slips of paper on how somebody touched their heart. Ninety-five percent of the responses came back, all about daily things… kisses hello, kisses goodbye, making the bed, taking out the garbage. Sometimes we get caught up in the Hallmark, or some of the big stories of the extravaganza, writing their name in the sky. But, more importantly, touch them every single day, validate them, honor and cherish them, and they will keep filling up your bucket as you keep filling up their bucket.

We cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over. ~ Gloria Naylor

Interested in personal or business coaching, check out my Giant Step Coaching. Receive private coaching at group coaching rates!

Read ‘What Are The Most Precious Gifts We Can Offer? Part 1’ in the series.

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This article was originally posted in Bellésprit magazine. The magazine content features topics of inspiration, guidance, personal experiences, and spirit messages all leading our diamond in the rough to healing and growing into the best ‘diamond’ we were meant to be. Be sure to subscribe to Bellésprit Magazine, a wealth of information.

The Most Precious Gifts We Can Offer, Part 1

In relationships it is important to be non-reactive when you listen. Most of the time when people express their problems to another individual, the other person reacts with … “Well, you didn’t do this, and you didn’t do that”. It becomes ‘tit for tat’ with
a long laundry list, an invisible score card seeps out. That original hurt gets swept under the carpet and is buried, and never gets addressed because you get caught up in the emotional drama.

This is where reflective listening tools from Harville Hendrix’s Book, ‘Getting the Love You Want’ is so effective. My wife, Caryl and I have taken a couple of workshops with Harville Hendrix’s trained therapists about Reflective Listening, how to stay non-reactive.

People get upset about some action. The other person may have done something on the surface that pushed a button that goes back to an unfulfilled emotional, physical, spiritual need from their childhood. They are all legitimate emotional concerns, ones that still follow us. People inadvertently bump into those invisible buttons. So, if we realize we all have buttons and pains, can we put the needs of our partners, of others first, and try to be available for them? Can we help them work through their stuff instead of looking at“How come it is not me?”

KINDNESS Twitter PartyIt will be your turn. But, what I have found is if you give first, you will receive so much more back then you would have ever thought was possible. An example of reflective listening would be: “So, I heard you were hurt by this”. “Did I get that right?” Affirm whether you heard correctly. If not, then say, “Tell me more about that.” “How did that make you feel?” Ask, “Have you ever felt that way before?” That question is one of the deeper questions.

You can help your partner walk back into their life to identify where that emotional pain came from. It comes down to availability, wanting to be there. Put the needs of someone else first, knowing that when you do that, they will be more apt to put your needs first and give you back what you need. When you have both people trying to make each other happy then that is an incredible experience. Emphasize service,
and serving others first.

Even from a business strategy, if you are trying to differentiate yourself in business, making yourself available and listening is smart business practice. In business, think about the customer service aspects. Look at the complaint, as a gift! Most people are not going to complain, they will go someplace else. If someone complains to you, they are telling you how to be loved. If you fix the problem, they will probably come back and buy more from you. Look at the positioning. If you can be more available, and put the needs of your clients first and solve their problems, they are more likely to stay with you.

Platinum RuleLook deep down, everyone is looking for attention. If you watch the dynamics of your family, you can observe their needs. Years ago I did a Go-Giver mastermind on ‘The Go-Giver’, written by Bob Burg and John David Mann, a great book on understanding on how to shift your focus from Getting to Giving. In one of our lessons, one of the women in the group had a poisonous relationship with her brother-in-law for 20 years. They were butting their heads. This woman had a big personality. She was in constant conflict with her brother-in-law. Both of them were striving to get the attention, to be validated and recognized that they didn’t see that they were doing the exact same thing – love me, love me, appreciate me, notice me.

So, they are in so much conflict, butting heads for years, when her sister/his wife is diagnosed with stage 4 Breast Cancer. Neither one of them could be available together to care for her during that treatment time. So, during this mastermind group we made her aware of it, and she started to put the needs of her brother-in-law first and started listening to him. All of a sudden he is listening to her and calling her. It only took 1 or 2 instances when he finally felt validated and heard by her, and the wall came down. They both became available to help her during this difficult time.

LISTENYou can shift that behavior. You have to look at – Are you listening to listen, or are you listening for an opportunity to speak? If people are always pushing in, to be heard that just goes back to that basic need of validation. Everyone is looking for it. It needs to be taught. It is not taught in schools. It is not taught in many or even any of our family culture because they didn’t do it. They probably never felt heard by their parents or their families. We need to learn new skills to go in, and touch the world as coaches and leaders. With the presence we are taking on social media, how can we provide it in our business,
in our coaching to make an emphasis on developing listening skills?

“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Read ‘What Are The Most Precious Gifts We Can Offer? Part 2’ in the series.

==========================================================

This article was originally posted in Bellésprit magazine. The magazine content features topics of inspiration, guidance, personal experiences, and spirit messages all leading our diamond in the rough to healing and growing into the best ‘diamond’ we were meant to be. Be sure to subscribe to Bellésprit Magazine, a wealth of information.

How do people best learn - Freely - Or, by ForceHow Do People Best Learn?  Freely?  Or, By Force?

Leaders understand we most often are motivated by direct result — getting a product or service to market, or raising a child or protégé to achieve their dreams, or just getting through life with the least harm done possible. This is particularly true of parenting.

We, parents and leaders alike, tend to be over-protective

We, parents and leaders alike, tend to be over-protective, often limiting creative potential and probably damaging growth. We know firsthand many of the mistakes others will make and we rush to tell them how to do it, often in a demanding way. They would be better served in a showing, sharing way.

Is our world really so busy and deadline conscious that we, as leaders, cannot be compassionate to those we work with and serve? Are we so busy that we fail to teach in the best possible light, a light that is certain to provide beneficial results for everyone?

Each of us is genuinely unique, so much so, that the ways we learn and are motivated often stand in conflict with the ways throughout our life we are given “advice”. Advice that we may not be ready to receive or are unwilling to hear. Over time we need to learn for ourselves. Sometimes those lessons are painful. If we are willing to pay attention, we can gain from that past pain. If not, we will be presented with the same lesson time and time again until we ‘get it’.

Looking back, I can recall leaders who never would have admitted their mistakes. Instead they would scream and belittle to beat their way into someone’s head. I have yet to see either method be very effective. Have you?

How different things would have been if those same leaders had led with compassion and understanding, allowing us to make our choices. Yet, always near to assist us should things start looking a little dicey. How different things would have been if those same leaders were guiding, listening, and sharing to help us realize we have more within ourselves than we realize. How different things would have been if those same leaders actually cared, instead of berating and beating everything out of us as though they knew everything.

GLINDA

Glinda, the Good Witch of the North in the Wizard of OZ, represents the compassionate leadership we seek. As you may recall, she patiently waits ‘behind the scenes’ as Dorothy follows the Yellow Brick Road, persistently looking out for Dorothy’s welfare while allowing her to learn her own lessons. When necessary, she quietly and subtly steps in to help — awakening her, for example, from the poppy field sleep to continue the journey.

Mistakes and misfortunes visit all of us. Those we serve have their own. As leaders, we must always remember everyone has a deep desire to matter, to be needed, loved and heard. Sharing our experiences in a way that respects them can do wonders in building them into all they are to become. When possible, there is nothing like personal experience to drive home a lesson that allows them to learn on their own.

Along the way, we do what we can to minimize the harm done to them or the product — mindful of course that many people learn best when they fail. I can recall a story of a project manager whose mistakes led to more than $1 million in losses to the company. To the project manager’s amazement, he was not fired. Instead he was reassured the company had just invested $1 million in his education.

So often we make mistakes and are thrown away — by companies, in our relationships, or by family. It seems the times we are most in need of love are viewed as those times we deserve it the least. In the example above, the boss demonstrates his compassion and we sense he somehow knows — even expects the company will more than recoup their investment in this project manager.

How is it in your world, your company, or your family?

Are you leading as you have been led, or are you leading the way you want
to be led?

Gandhi tells us

Gandhi tells us “to become the leader you would follow.” Far too often our experiences touch us deeply. We go about learning things we would never want to go through the same process to learn again. It turns out that learning what not to do invokes our own passions of what we truly want to do and become.

It is my hope that the thought of people being disposable ends soon. After all, we will never think or learn alike, and each of us have personal issues that tend to blur our visions. It’s been my experience many times those who do not comply with guidelines are disregarded, perhaps blurring their visions even further. We can change this pattern through compassionate leadership.

The definition of compassion is ‘to suffer with’ or ‘have sympathy’. For us, perhaps it means to discern how others feel by remembering how we may have felt under the same circumstance. Essentially, all of us are walking wounded — just keeping that in mind will provide an incredible shift for all those you serve. We would do well to also remember problems never can be fully left at home, at the office, or swept under the rug. Putting the needs of others first, and investing time and energy in those we serve will come back to us more than ten-fold. Such is the servant leader. For me, that leader was Rima. Rima helped run a small marketing company. She was incredible. Why? I believe this to be so, because she took notice of her employees’ gifts and talents, and she fed their need to share them. Over the years, I saw her turn many lives around — including my own — by listening, nurturing, guiding, allowing us to learn from our own mistakes, and validating us. Through her example, folks like me now have the great opportunity to Pay It Forward.

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Tis the season to offer extraordinary specials – check out my #BlackFriday & #SmallBizSat offerings that will be available until
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Looking forward to working with you in your quest to
Build Better Relationships in all the areas of your life & business.

Hope your Thanksgiving celebration will be a time with
family & friends, filled with memorable and joy-filled festivities,
recognized with appreciation and gratitude for the previous year and
for what is in store for you in the upcoming year. ~ Gary

Black Friday ~ Celebrate with Gary’s Special Offers

 

Happy Holiday updated

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“Success in any endeavor does not happen by accident. Rather, it’s the result of deliberate decisions, conscious effort, and immense persistence — all directed at specific goals.” ~ Gary Ryan Blair

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Love and Happiness

Love and Happiness - Relationships start with ourselves

What needs to work in a relationship?

Foremost relationships start with ourselves. When we master that relationship,
we then can expand our relationships with a partner, friends, family, customers and our community. Intertwined with our relationships are other aspects like spirituality, health and finances. We are in a relationship with all of those facets simultaneously in life.

To take it a step further, you even have relationships with objects. For example,
take your favorite cup, how would you describe that cup? What are some of the characteristics you like about your favorite cup? Whether it is a champagne flute, etched, pretty and sleek, or a 32 oz. mug, all those different aspects are subliminal characteristics you are looking for in a relationship.

So, for example, I drink out of a 32 oz. cup. I need a lot of love. I want to drink that
all day long. I want to be sipping ‘in love’. That is one of the things I strive for in my relationship with my wife, Caryl, to be in love every day. Metaphorically, with a big cup, I can take a sip and I am drinking a gallon of water a day. I am drinking ‘love’
all day long.

How does one love oneself?

It is hard for most people. Most of us are brought up in an environment where our parents and family probably did the best they could; but in retrospect, more than likely there was a lot that they did not know. For me growing up, my parents were emotionally unavailable. They did not know how to encourage me or validate me.
My self-confidence was down for a long period of time in my life. So, one of the first things I started to do was to hang around people who believed in me, saw my gifts, and kept reminding me of them. And through that I started to see them for myself.

In 2008, one of my big revelations occurred with Twitter when people started responding. I started to utilize my gift of coaching on Twitter. That was a personal validation. People were asking questions. With every step, I gained more self-confidence and realized my gifts and skills. So, if you are in a period of self-doubt
or are unable to love yourself, just look at the little things you have accomplished.

A great exercise is to write a 100 accomplishments that you have achieved in your life, something that you are proud of. Everyone has a deep well of brilliance. Know that you have already accomplished so much, and probably have not paid attention to those events. It is a revelation to see what you have already accomplished. Start celebrating those moments!

Is there a correlation between loving others, and self-love and
self-confidence?

Self Confidence

There is a nurturing part where our confidence comes from. Our bottom line need is validation. Most of us get that validation through some expression of love. When we are in a place of love, we become confident. We feel more accepted, and from that we can be more loving. Often people get hung up because when they feel unlovable that is when they need love the most, and sometimes people start pulling away. It is hard at times to love somebody when they are not lovable.

Should we love by the Golden or Platinum Rule?

The Love Languages is the epitome of the Platinum Rule. Everybody knows the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule states ‘we should do onto others as we would do
onto ourselves’
. Whereas, the Platinum Rule states ‘we should do onto others as
they would do onto themselves’
. If I loved you the way I want to be loved, it is not going to fulfill your needs.

Platinum RuleA perfect story is one that was conveyed to me by my first coach. He received a phone call from his wife one day. She said, “Meet me downtown.” And, he said, “Why?”  She said, “Just meet me downtown.”  So, he met her downtown and they were on the corner, and he said, “What’s going on? Why are we here?”  She stated, “Just follow me.”  They go in the building, into an elevator, and get off at a marriage counselor’s office. And, he looked at his wife, and stated, “Why are we here?” She still said nothing. They get into the counselor’s office. The counselor asked “Why are you here?” Now she finally opened up and expressed, “Well, he doesn’t love me!”  He voiced, “What do you mean I do not love you?!!!  I hug you all of the time.” She looked at her husband and conveyed, “But, you never say the words.”  In his culture, his family hugged as an expression of love. Throughout their entire relationship she felt unloved, because her family expressed love with words. She needed to hear the words, I Love You. And, he never said those words. So, even though he loves her, and feels great about their relationship, she feels he doesn’t love her because he hasn’t expressed it verbally.

Importantly, if you learn each other’s love languages – how they best respond to love, how they feel loved – you will create a healthy, loving relationship. Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book called ‘The Five Love Languages’. Everybody has five primary needs in love: receiving gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and quality time.  You can take this assessment test, and share it with your partner. Have your partner take the same test, so you can find out their primary
Love Languages.

5 Love Languages

In my relationship, for me, it is words of affirmation and quality of time that are vital because they were needs that were not fulfilled growing up. For my wife, Caryl, it is acts of service. So, if I was to follow my coach and share with Caryl words of affirmation and quality of time, it would not have the same meaning to her. Acts of service like doing the dishes, the laundry, going food shopping will warm her heart and brighten her day with a big smile.

Another way is to write a list of all the ways you felt a warm rush of love. What happened? Did someone hold your hand? Did they play with your hair? Did they open the car door? The expression of love is an accumulation of all the little things. Very rarely is it the gigantic effort unless your primary need is receiving gifts. And that’s okay, but with most of us, it is the accumulation of the little things. It is not that you have to do all of them. For example, ‘I feel loved when you open the door’, or
‘I feel loved when you spend time with me.’  It is important to put the ‘or’ in your request, so you do not overwhelm your partner with ‘and, and, and, and.’ Then your partner will feel like they must do all of them at one time. If you give them a list of little things they can do along the way, you will start building that foundation.

Remember, find a way to keep courting, to keep falling in love with each other.
There always will be ups and downs. If someone would have told us that when we were younger, we would have had a more realistic vision of what was going to happen. We tend to get surprised when we hit those bumps because we think it should be this happy ever after. Most importantly, relationships on a soul level bring out the things we need to heal. It gives us the ability to help each other grow and evolve – physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. It teaches us to become more available for each other, and to become the best we can be.

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If you need one-on-one coaching to help you resolve any issues in your life, sign up here.  My coaching will help you with not only your business or personal goals, but in all areas of your life, in all relationships.

You will learn that you can be full and complete on your own. With your relationships, instead of trying to fit into them or them into you, you actually roll along with them. You are much more aware of your needs, and will be able to express them in an empowering manner, so it improves communication and listening. One of the biggest enhancements for relationship building is to be available for others, to help others to be their best, while maintaining your best. It can be partners, husband and wives, business partners, whatever partnerships you are looking for.  Receive great savings, one-on-one coaching at group rates!

 

A Small Glimpse of How Twitter Impacts People, Part 2

Never underestimate the Power of a Tweet, or even in real life, the Power of a Single Word or Statement. Messages can show up at the right time, and make a change in someone’s day, in someone’s life!

I firmly believe that utilizing Twitter is the most effective delivery system available to make this type of impact. With very few rules and limitations imposed upon us by Twitter, we can create connections with people on the other side of the world or across the street.

HERE ARE SOME MORE STORIES:

~ Here is an example of someone else’s sweet love story:

One person lived in Northern Europe. The other person who lived in South Africa stumbled across their tweet. They began to communicate. And in a brief time, a relationship formed. Shortly thereafter their long distance ‘Twitter’ relationship turned into a real life romance with a move to South Africa and a new life together. Love discovered in a tweet!

~ Here is a story about a miracle:

A Tweet from a family member, perhaps in a final attempt to find a kidney donor for a child, received thousands of responses and a perfect match was found and the transplant was a success!

~ I received this email message from a follower, who responded to a question I queried about how Twitter changed their life. It is astounding what the perspectives of those in other countries can remind us of how blessed we are, here in the States:

As a matter of principle, I don’t watch television nor listen to radio. And spend most of my time in solitude. Therefore, the internet and remotely twitter, is a huge part of my life. In this part of the world (Nigeria) where getting relevant information is akin to the holy grail, I have found twitter a reservoir of knowledge. Where a seeking-mind can draw from its wealth of abundance. More so, as one who is in the business of human development, I have found lots of very useful tips on human development handy. Could I have been able to get those information elsewhere other than twitter? Not very sure!! When you follow the right kind of people on twitter, there’s hardly anything on life you will miss out from. Ranging from beauty tips to diet, inspirational to quotable quotes, history to wisdom nuggets. To name but a few. In a nutshell, I have learned in 2 years using twitter what 10 years of rigorous study couldn’t have fetched me in the physical world. Thank you Gary for being a part of that experience!

}PgžxQTwo of the most heart touching stories that I have experienced:

Over the years, I’ve developed connections with many people in my audience, a recognition of their continual retweets and comments opens the channels of communication beyond the initial engagement. It is over time, by continually sharing positive messages that their trust is established to share some very private details of their life.

1. A woman had occasionally reached out via tweets, and Direct Messages with questions that led me to believe that there was more below the surface. Over time, 12 to 18 months, she would pop in and out of conversations with me. Then one day I received perhaps a dozen Direct Messages from her explaining in detail the horrors she experienced in a physically abusive domestic relationship. At first, I did not know what to do or say – wondering what could I do to really help her several thousand miles away. Then a message was delivered to me on a higher level – ‘God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the Called.’ I recalled another Twitter friend who went through a similar ordeal, and has made it her mission to help other women find help and representation they need to save their lives. Within a couple of tweets between Florida, Massachusetts and California, we were able to guide this woman to a safe house and to a new beginning in life.

2. The story with the biggest impact for me on how a Tweet can change the world came from a young lady who asked if she could send me an email. This was not an unusual request, and I did not think anything of it, until the next morning when I opened the message and I was frozen in front of my computer for a long time. I was completely surprised by her story. To protect her confidentiality and confidence in me, I cannot share any specifics of the story. Although I am certain – you’ll feel the impact.

Her first message to me opened with her gratitude for ‘saving’ her life. I was absolutely stunned by her very short note about how one of my tweets saved her life.

I heard God calling me again.

I gathered the courage to inquire what tweet it was, and how it ‘saved’ her life.

Each of my days are miraclesIn her return message she opened up to me that she was contemplating taking her life, tired of the complications and pain she was experiencing from a severe medical condition. She mentioned that when she saw one of my shared daily #JustForToday #Affirmation messages, something touched her to change her mind and stay amongst the living, and to use her experiences in dealing with her condition to assist others affected the same way to ease their journey.

For a brief moment my head swelled with pride. But soon came to a bigger understanding that it was not totally my doing. I had set that tweet into an automation program to randomly share a bundle of tweets one-at-a-time throughout the day – part of my Twitter strategy. There was a bigger force at work that posted that tweet at the exact time when this young lady, in her darkest hour, looked at Twitter and discovered the message her Soul was trying to get to her that her work was not done.

I want you to look deep inside yourself and uncover your heart’s desire to serve others. When we make our audience’s needs our primary reason for being on Twitter or in business, they will feel our authentic being reaching out to them. When we have earned their trust through a prolonged presence, they will provide us opportunities to serve them in ways we may have never imagined – but have been preparing for our entire life.

Work with your heart and share yourself via your messages with the TwitterverseIn today’s social networking world, where there are countless numbers of people providing similar answers to their prospect’s needs, wouldn’t it be refreshing to work with your heart and share yourself via your messages with the Twitterverse and beyond? It would be viewed completely different from all of the others who are pushing their offers and links with every message – who do not seem to realize that asking for a sale before a relationship is established is a recipe for an unfulfilling relationship for both individuals.

Look for ways to add additional value to the people you serve with your messages on Twitter. An often overlooked method of adding more value to your community – something so simple, yet massively powerful in creating goodwill is building trust and rapport and establishing a positive mental image in the minds of everyone reading your tweets.

If you need help in posting inspirational messages, feel free to connect with me and join my Twitter Management Posting Program.

Read A Small Glimpse of How Twitter Impacts People, Part 1.

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This article was posted in Bellésprit magazine. The magazine content features topics of inspiration, guidance, personal experiences, and spirit messages all leading our diamond in the rough to healing and growing into the best ‘diamond’ we were meant to be. Be sure to subscribe to Bellésprit Magazine, a wealth of information.