Before you can build with certainty and confidence, you need to recognize what your self-perception, self-esteem or even your thoughts are on failure. One of the things that is powerful is to look at how to redefine failure.
For example, in my circumstance, there were things in my personal relationship with my parents that were missing. They were not able to reaffirm and give me what I needed. With everything I tried, I didn’t get the recognition. I sensed it as part of a failure. At the time, I did not realize that they were not able to do it. I needed to
re-write that story. If you really look at failure, it is just a result.
That is one thing I learned along the way –
it is a result of what we have done. Thomas Edison was a great example. Ten thousand examples of how not to make a light bulb. Colonel Sanders drove around in his car, slept in his car for months, and collected over 1,200 rejections when he was trying to sell his chicken recipe. Or, even if we think about how many attempts a baby tries while learning how to walk before they give up. A failure may just be a way to measure yourself on where you are now, as opposed to where you want to go.
If you look at how many times you apply for a job; or, if you look at an attractive person you are interested in and think you are going to be rejected, you may automatically talk yourself out of it because you do not have that certainty and confidence. For example, in the movie, ‘A Beautiful Mind’ – he had a very interesting dating style. This guy was brilliant, but a few things were not lined up with him – he would ask a woman right off the bat if she would sleep with him. All of his friends were laughing at him because he wasn’t getting dates. The numbers will happen, and he wound up meeting the love of his life. It happened right away.
One of the other lessons I learned was to embrace the chaos that goes along with not getting those immediate results. My biggest lesson I learned over time is to embrace those non-results, because we do not grow in our comfort zone and we need chaos. We need something going on around us. I think many of the people who surround us may think, look at it, and see it as failure. Far too many people have given up on their dreams; or, they have been beaten into submission by programs, institutions, schools, or churches by not being allowed to dream.
So, when you try to see your life differently, and you want to move forward and you run into a result that you need to re-calibrate and the people around you are giving you negative input, how does that make you feel?
That is a chaotic part of healing. There is a chaotic part of situations going on in our life. If everything was normal and everything was sort of nirvana, then there is not an opportunity to grow. To embrace that we really need to have those contrasts in our lives. For me, the definition of chaos is that in contrast, the results I am currently having have stirred up a reaction in me … “No, this is definitely not where I need to be. And, I am going to do something right now, fast, to be able to move to a different direction.”
I believe emotional issues are really based on low self-esteem. This is another part of how we need to change our conversation. Here is a perfect example: Little kids, especially little girls, like to play dress up. I think it was Carolyn Myss that had mentioned that she was dealing with a woman that when she was 4 or 5 was all dressed up, had the high heels and the hats, the dresses and the makeup, and everything else, and thought that she was just like Mommy – gorgeous. She walks out and Dad says something like you are a ‘tramp.’ That woman’s soul was crushed for 30 – 40 years from one comment. Some people might think that a small comment would not affect the person. But, people are looking for that approval, looking for that connection. This is especially true if you are in that idolization stage, especially for kids, they are modeling you, watching everything. That is something I think we need to do – change our conversation because we could be responsible for building up somebody’s self-esteem as well as being able to take it down. With that, one phrase could take the person down.
I heard another story about a speaker who was loved by his audience, and he got evaluation forms. He got 99 positive responses; he got 1 negative response. Which one carried the most weight on him? The negative one. He focused on one thing, the negative. If you look at 1 out of 99, just think about how you can focus on one comment and tear yourself down. It’s getting back into the conversation and telling ourselves a better story. We cannot overcome an objection that on some level we believe is true. So, we need to look at who we are, the best right now. How do we start developing that certainty? It’s daily confidence building. Give yourself some small wins, and celebrate the small victories. I am a big component in journaling, writing everything down. It’s a celebration of what you have accomplished during that day.
Developing daily habits really anchors everything else in your life. I did a presentation on the ‘Richest Man in Babylon.’ One of the premises is that you pay yourself first. So, I started to take it beyond the financial aspect. I am going to pay myself first with everything I get. So, if every day I get 24 hours, I am taking 10% of that, so I can fill up my bucket. Subsequently, I will start my day in a positive way, so it will give me strength to do the things I need to do as far as building my business, coaching people and being able to have a full bucket. For me, what that entails is I spend 15 minutes with our cats listening to Abraham’s Vortex. It is a way to get into that loving energy, and get a clear direction for the day. I practice my yoga, I do at least 30 to 45 minutes, another 20 minutes of meditation, have breakfast and usually watch one of the motivational, inspirational shows I recorded off of Oprah’s network or something inspirational. Consequently, the first appointment of the day is at noon. This is my structure. This is what I need to do to fill my bucket up. I have found by developing that I have reconnected to my sense of faith, and connected with the Universe. I know that there are new opportunities and people that are coming into my life that are a direct result of the meditation, of that connection that I am asking for.
This article was originally posted in Bellésprit magazine. The magazine content features topics of inspiration, guidance, personal experiences, and spirit messages all leading our diamond in the rough to healing and growing into the best ‘diamond’ we were meant to be. Be sure to subscribe to Bellésprit Magazine, a wealth of information.